Create Your
Women need to know how to ask men
for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional
manner.
Dating Guide: How to Get What You Want
Ways to boost your persuasive power in your relationship
By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., The Dating Doctor Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: May 22, 2009
RATING THIS ARTICLE
In
my counseling office, I see a lot of damage done because people don't
know how to ask for what they want. Or, they don't think it's OK to ask
for what they want. Not asking for what you want in a relationship
means you'll eventually resent your partner, and that leads to a lot of
strife.
In your relationship, asking
for what you want in a helpful, non-threatening way helps you and your
partner understand each other. In couple counseling, when I ask
partners to state their wants they often discover to their amazement
that their wants are quite similar, and the problem disappears. The
conflict between them was only their lack of understanding and
communication.
So, what's the best way to ask for what you want? Here are some tips to guide you.
The difference between wanting and demandingMuch
of the confusion about expressing wants occurs because no distinction
is made between wanting and demanding. Stating what you want is an
effort to communicate clearly, so you and your partner can both be
satisfied. Demanding is insisting that your partner give you what you
want, without regard for his or her wants and feelings.
You
can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle
getting a no answer; when you are demanding, you get upset if you are
denied. When you ask for what you want, you need to have a backup plan
in case the other person doesn't agree.
Gender differencesWomen need to know how to ask men
for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional
manner. Men need to learn to listen to
women's feelings. Women do not always respond to a direct request; they
do better when feelings are addressed. Saying "Wait til the game is
over, honey" will be received by a woman as disregarding her feelings.
"I'm sorry it's bothering you, sweetheart, I'll take it out as soon as
there's a commercial break" will let her know you care about her
feelings, and she'll be happier.
How NOT to get what you want: Common mistakes- Exaggerate your want. The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do ("I want you here all the time"). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is.
- Overstate your need. The fear that you won't get your wants met may cause you to state your want as if your survival depended on it ("I'll just die if you don't come with me"). Your partner may feel that he or she is being manipulated and resist cooperating with you.
- Argue for or justify your want. Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied ("I should get more of the money than you do, because..."). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen.
- Not say what you want. Belief that you won't get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you "don't care" or "it's not important" or just be silent, when the truth is you'll resent not getting what you want.
- Understate your want. Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt, or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else ("Let's ask your sister to go with us" when you really want an evening alone together). This confuses your partner and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven't said what it is.
1.
Get clear about what you want. You can't express what
you want effectively if you're not clear what it is. Before approaching
your partner with a request, think about it and write it down in one
clear sentence.
2.
Create a good atmosphere.
If asking for what you want is difficult
for you, don't do it without preparation.
If asking for what you want is difficult
for you, don't do it without preparation. Choose a
moment when you and your partner both have time, and invite him or her
to sit down and talk with you.
If asking for what you want is difficult
for you, don't do it without preparation. 3.
Simply state what you want. Don't preface your
statement with a lot of disclaimers -- they make the other person feel
accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you
want.
4. Be prepared to
accept a "no." Remember, if you can't accept a no
answer, then you're making a demand, not a request, so have a backup
solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the
other person isn't cooperating.
5.
Listen politely to your partner's answer. Whether your
partner says yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what
he or she says. Don't get all caught up in the worry and noise inside
your head -- pay attention. You need to know what the answer
is.
If you follow these steps, you'll
get what you want a good percentage of the time. And even when you
don't, you'll have a backup plan, so you really can't lose.
Adapted
from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That
Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media) ISBN# 978-1-59869-325-6 copyright
Tina B. Tessina, 2007More Dating Tips by Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.- Dating Older Women
- What's Behind the Trend of Women Dating Younger Men?
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