Dating Tips: 4 Relationship Rules You Should Break
Never stopped to question the dating code of conduct everyone you know follows? Well, it's time to start. Right here, right now.
By dating editor Beth Whiffen for Cosmopolitan Photo: iStockphoto.com© Rhienna Cutler Updated: Jul 24, 2009
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It's
anyone's guess where they originally came from, but
there are some universally accepted relationship mandates that we all
think we should abide by. A few of these couple commandments are
actually valid (as in: Your best friend's boyfriend is off limits).
Others are totally outdated and bogus, and your relationship will be
better off if you break them.
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:Here are the four dating doctrines that you need to ditch this instant!
Rule #1: You can't check out anyone elseWhy
you should break it: You're in a relationship; you're not dead. So when
you're walking down the street and spot a piece of eye candy, go ahead
and give yourself permission to do a double take. Noticing the scenery
isn't a sign that your guy doesn't do it for you anymore. "It's human
nature to be attracted to other people," explains Los Angeles
psychotherapist Lynn Ianni, PhD.
That's
not to say that it's cool to blatantly ogle every XY chromosome owner
that crosses your path, even when your boyfriend isn't by your side.
"It's important to respect your significant other, so you don't want to
be too obvious or make a habit of looking," says Marcella Bakur Weiner,
PhD, coauthor of "The Love Compatibility Test." Obviously, there's a
difference between staring slack-jawed and simply appreciating a nice
view.
On the flip side, however,
you have to understand that your guy isn't blind either. If you see
that he notices some chick, as long as he's not outright drooling over
her, don't make a big deal out of it. You can even score points with
him by joining in and saying something like, "Oh, she's cute," advises
professional counselor Roger Rhoades of Carolina Counseling in
Greenville, South Carolina. "Acknowledging that another woman is
attractive makes you seem confident, which only adds to your own
appeal."
Or do what Stella,* 29,
does with her guy. "My boyfriend and I like to play this game we call
Hot or Not, where we people-watch and rate all the passersby," she
says. "It's a fun way for both of us to ogle hotties without driving
each other crazy. Plus, it gives us interesting insight into each
other's taste."
*Names have been changed.
Rule #2: You have to give each other the play-by-play of your dayWhy
you should break it: You already know it's not cool to attach yourself
to his hip. Well, the same thing goes for drawing him a mental map of
your daily grind. "The Cliffs' Notes version of your day is actually
more effective. Then move on to more mutually interesting topics, like
current events or a movie you want to see," says Rhoades.
So
when you two hook up after work, how do you know if you're giving TMI?
Follow this rule of thumb: "Fill your guy in on the things that
elicited an emotional response from you," says Ianni. For instance, if
someone got fired and you're afraid you'll be next, or if you're
psyched because you learned your sister's pregnant, go ahead and share.
"Then, skim over the stuff that didn't have a profound
effect."
Also, keep in mind what
you know he finds interesting and what will make his eyes glaze over.
If hearing about office gossip is about as torturous to him as getting
a root canal, spare him the dirty details. He'll be more into
communicating with you if you're both on the same page.
Rule #3: You have to resolve every conflictWhy
you should break it: Forget the old adage that you should never go to
bed angry. Despite your feminine urge to fix a problem now, it often
pays to sleep on it -- or drop the matter completely. "Women are
oriented toward harmony and balance in relationships, so they often try
too hard to analyze and repair an argument, which isn't always possible
and can even exacerbate the issue," says Ianni.
What
is important when you don't see eye-to-eye is being able to communicate
your feelings. "If you bottle up your emotions, you set yourself up for
a far worse explosion later," says Ianni. But speaking your mind
doesn't necessarily mean finding a tidy resolution.
Take
it from Erin, 28, who was sick of battling with her fiance about her
future monster-in-law. "Greg's mother is a pain," she says. "I can't
stand her, and I would take my anger out on him. But I realized that I
wasn't being fair. She's his mother. What can he do? So now I complain
to him when she upsets me, but I don't blame him for her behavior. I
guess it's something I'm going to have to learn to live
with."
As Erin found out, there
are some disagreements that can't -- or shouldn't -- be fought to the
finish. "Let smaller conflicts go and focus on working out the ones
that involve your core values and life goals," says Rhoades. For
example: If your guy's leave-the-dishes-in-the-sink habit bugs you,
suck it up. He is probably an inherent slob and isn't likely to change.
However, if he keeps blowing his paycheck on unnecessary big-ticket
items while you want to save up to buy a house together, that's a point
of contention you should hash out.
Rule #4: You need to deep-six your exesWhy
you should break it: There's no reason to cut off contact with someone
you genuinely care about. Just because it didn't work out romantically
between the two of you doesn't mean you have to wind up hating each
other. "You date someone who has qualities that you appreciate and
enjoy," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of "Everything You Know About
Love and Sex Is Wrong." "Even if you didn't succeed as a couple, you
might still like each other as friends."
However,
there are certain codes of behavior that you need to respect. First,
keep the camaraderie casual. "Make a conscious effort to refrain from
doing anything that would make your current boyfriend feel threatened
or jealous," says Rhoades. In other words, it's okay to meet your ex
for a quick cup of coffee; it's not okay to get together for an
hours-long romantic dinner.
Secondly,
make sure it's clear to your new man that you no longer have any
romantic feelings for your ex. One way to do that: Have a
threesome...in the platonic sense. Instead of getting together with
your old beau solo, invite your boyfriend along once in a while. "The
fact that you're including him shows that you and your ex really are
just friends and have nothing to hide," says Rhoades. They might even
like each other. But even if they don't become buds, at least you will
have averted any potential problems.
Just
remember, keeping ties with old lovers works both ways. If you want to
maintain relationships with your exes, you have to be understanding if
your current guy wants to do the same.
Love Laws That BombedIn hindsight, these couples realized their dating mandates were moronic.
"It's
corny, but I wanted my voice to be the last thing my boyfriend heard
each day, so I had him call me every night before he went to bed. Too
bad he's a night owl and always wound up waking me." --Sasha,
19
"Before we moved in together, I
negotiated a deal with my girlfriend that allowed us each to have one
fling a year. It sounded like a great plan, until she acted on it. So
much for my bright idea." --Dave, 34
"Sam
and I promised to always be truthful. But after a few weeks, I got sick
of hearing how he didn't like my new haircut or how my friend was
pissing him off. Sometimes ignorance is bliss." --Tanisha,
25
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.Limited
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