Dating Advice: 7 Simple Tips to Communicate Effectively With Your Partner
Everyone knows communication is important in a relationship. So why aren't you doing it effectively? Use these tips to become a pro.
By dating expert Jackie Black, Ph.D., for hitched
Photo: iStockphoto.com/© Carmen Martínez Banús
Updated: Jun 3, 2009
I
received an email recently about communication in personal
relationships. The writer asked: "Why is communication
important in a relationship? Is it the most important part of a
relationship?"
First, let's agree that
when we use the word communication we are referring to both verbal and
nonverbal communication. Verbal and nonverbal language is an essential
element for committed romantic relationships, friendships, business
relationships, and virtually all other kinds of relationships. We
depend on making ourselves understood to convey our wants and needs,
likes and dislikes, thoughts and feelings -- and to make requests of
others.
We communicate nonverbally with
our faces and our bodies. For example, when we are listening, we might
tilt our heads a bit or lean toward the speaker. The speaker would
likely perceive us to be interested and listening
attentively.
Conversely, if we fidget,
sigh, roll our eyes, or make any of a number of faces with our mouths
and lips (you know what I mean!), we could be accurately perceived by
the speaker as being in disagreement, contemptuous, critical,
disapproving, etc.
We communicate
verbally with the words we choose, with inflection, pitch, decibel
level, and cadence. And make no mistake: A speaker's attitude comes
across loud and clear when he or she speaks.
Here are seven simple and easy tips for communicating more effectively in a relationship:
- Say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Do what you say and say what you do.
- Your
thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes are valid
and legitimate. It is your job to own your internal
experience. That means identify what is going on for you inside
yourself and find the courage to express it.
Ownership implies that you know and believe that you are okay with who
you are, and how you experience and react to your inside and outside
worlds. Other people do not have to understand or agree in order for
your experiences to be valid, legitimate, and respected. This is about
you!
- Other people's
feelings are also legit. Just as your thoughts and
feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes, and internal experiences
are valid and legitimate, so are those of others. You may or may not
understand. Please, respect their experience(s). Your response? Agree
to disagree. Accept without agreeing. This is about them! This is not
about you.
- Pay
attention to needs. When a need is unmet, it becomes
an issue. We have many opportunities to experience and express issues
in our relationships. Common ways to respond, although unproductive and
harmful, are to complain, blame, and criticize. Next time you
experience an issue, try making a request. Identify what you need
or want, or what you want someone to do or say differently, then make a
request. Focus on what you want to happen, instead of what isn't
happening or what happened that you didn't like.
- Learn
to tell your whole truth. Notice I didn't say THE
truth. Your truth is your recognition of what you are experiencing
inside yourself and outside of yourself at any given moment. If you are
experiencing an upset or a disappointment, you may know or understand
less about what you are experiencing than at other times. Find the
courage to say as much as you can about what you think, feel, need, and
want. When you have more clarity or additional knowing, be sure to
share them with you partner.
- Be
a good listener. Listening is an essential and
valuable skill. Becoming a good listener takes time and practice and is
enormously appreciated by others. When you are engaged in a meaningful
conversation, say to your partner, "Tell me more." This is a special
invitation that conveys your interest and intention to listen and
really know them and understand the issue.
Communication
is one of the essential parts of creating rich, meaningful
relationships. Communicating verbally and nonverbally in a kind,
responsible, and respectful way furthers understanding and increases
intimacy and trust.
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
Read
more articles from Hitched at hitchedmag.com.
More Dating Articles:Dr. Jackie Black, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized relationship educator, author, and coach who works with men and women who are single again, newly married, new parents, divorced, widowed, or in a committed relationship that is challenging. Dr. Jackie's book, "
Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships" is the pre-eminent guide to making a relationship work and navigating the world of dating. Jackie lives in Southern California.
